Dancing with Viperwolves
by Kuranzyan Blightwalker
Summary: Series of oneshots dealing with absurd - and not so absurd - situations and plotbunnies set in the Avatar Universe. Dark and twisted humour aplenty. Chapter 1 to 4 - Midnight the Thanator.
1. Thanator Slapstick

This fictional work demands basic knowledge of the Avatar Universe. All hail James Cameron and his work, everything related belongs to their rightful owners, yadda yadda yadda. Am I done now?

* * *

"How about this one? Run? Don't run? What?" Jake Sully asked, having yet to realize that he was staring at a predator. The massive panther-like creature reacted to the sound of his voice, and before Jake knew what was going to happen, he had already been forced to run for his life. Grace Augustine's voice rang out behind him as she and Norm Spellman tried to make their avatar bodies' own safety a priority.

"Run, definitely run ~ _from that thing! My god, he's going to end up as Thanator kibble_."*

"Not if I can do anything about it," the ex-marine Avatar Driver muttered darkly, as he evaded the airborne Thanator that had just crossed the distance between hunter and prey in one leap. His only defence against a bigger life form like the Thanator he was trying to shake off of his tail had been yanked away from him soon after he had dove in between some tree roots in a short-lived attempt to keep the thing away from him. Whatever deity in charge of Pandora didn't appear to find his efforts suitably entertaining enough to fit its tastes, for it decided that tormenting him as long it could was far more satisfactory, and he was caught by the enormous feline not shortly afterwards.

It had taken hold of his backpack, and was now shaking him up and down, left and right, frenziedly trying to tear it off of him. Jake briefly acquiesced with its mindset as he unfastened the clasps that secured the backpack. The fates had decided to pull over one more cruel joke on him, for instead of being flung away from the Thanator like a ragdoll and landing on the forest floor in a crumpled heap, he found himself clutching the Thanator's neck for dear life. What happened next was unavoidable, but it would change the events to come beyond anyone's imagination.

The enormous, six-legged beast realised that the Avatar was positioned on its back, but it was unable to prevent the hair braid concealing the pinkish neural fibers from dangling unchecked. It ended up coming into contact with its own, unwittingly creating a bond that would last for a lifetime.

Both Jake and the Thanator recoiled in surprise from the sudden experience. As much of a jarhead he was, Jake had only barely the slightest idea of what was going on, and that was only because he had just been 'hooked up' to a cat at least ten times bigger than a human on a neurological level.

Barely ten minutes later, Jake Sully, paraplegic Ex-marine and brother to a deceased genius scientist partially responsible for the hybrid Avatar body he was utilizing at the moment, found himself staring at the gigantic cat in wonder, mulling over the weirdness of it all as he absently scratched some itchy spots on his new pet and partner for life.

He really had no idea just how much weirder his life would be going to be from this point onwards.

* * *

A/N:

Gotcha! Bet you didn't think I'd start an Avatar ficlet with an drabble-ish idea nobody has seemed to think about. As of now, this will probably be a series of one-shots, with the potential to become a full fledged AU retelling of the Avatar plot if I ever decide that I have the necessary resources available to me. Expect the usual insanity I come up with, because this baby's gonna go far, you can count on that.

* - I took the liberty of adding the additional cursive text to that line, simply because it's Grace, our favourite xenobotanist. The cursive text isn't found in the movie nor in the original movie script, I put that there simply for my own reasons.


	2. Thanator Slapstick, part two

Don't own Avatar, deal with it. Here, grab a Lemon~ Uh, sorry, that was the wrong old man.

* * *

Trudy Chacon woke up to the strangest sounds she ever heard in her lifetime. She had just been taking a brief nap in the Samson's cockpit, because life at Hell's Gate was hectic and unpredictable. You'd probably never get more than two or three hours of sleep a day unless you were a pilot going on recon or patrolling assignments. Out here in the wild, in the relative safety of the Samson, you could catch up with some very much needed sleep.

"Don' do that, 'm sleepin' 'ere, go bug som'one else." She blurted out in a drowsy fit. It was then that she noticed the massive Thanator licking away at her Samson's windshield. Fully awake now, only one thought popped up in her mind, and it wasn't about counting a herd of fluffy Earth sheep.

"What the…? Hey, Wainfleet, Giant Smurfs! Care to tell me why there's a Thanator humping my baby and nobody's doing anything to stop it!?"

Cricket.

Cricket.

Cricket.

"Jesus Christ, they're gone and left me to deal with this myself… and where the fuck is Sully?"

"Yeah, what's up? Oh shit, Midnight, don't do that! Bad Midnight!"

The Thanator, for that matter, decided that Trudy's Samson tasted very nice and had decided to take a whizz on it, to spread some pheromones telling other Thanators to "Buzz off, this here's mine!" in a fit of possessiveness that was rather uncharacteristic for the enormous feline. In fact, it was much like the greed of man. Too much, Jake thought, as he shuddered in very mild horror.

Trudy Chacon was flattered that it thought of her Samson as something that should be cherished, but the way in which it did so was rather… unsettling. Still, she was glad it had managed to restrain itself and didn't do more damage than it had already done, like giving the Samson a love-bite or something.

Twenty minutes and a rather extensive attempt at explaining on Jake's part of what had happened later, Trudy's voice spooked the hell out of a group of prolemuris that had settled down in a few trees away from the clearing.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE WON'T LEAVE YOU ALONE!?"

"Exactly what it means. Could you stop yelling, please? For some godforsaken reason she's decided to follow me where ever I go. And now that she's taken a whizz on your Samson she'd be able to track us down to basically everywhere. Although I'm not really sure whether it's a he or a she, to be honest."

Trudy snorted in amusement. Typical of Sully to come up with something profound like this. "Did you even bother to check for that? It's a big, fucking, cat. Should be easy to see if it has a pair or not. Oh, and before I forget, where are the two Science-Smurfs and Wainfleet?"

"Oh, they… well, let's just say that after I'd ridden that over there," he pointed at the Thanator that was now once more licking away at the Samson's windshield, "to your Samson, the first thing they did when they saw it was running away screaming bloody murder to the heavens above, before they decided to try and climb up a tree, I don't know which one. If you're lucky you can find Wainfleet. I think he was wetting himself on one of the lower branches. Yet for some reason he seems to think that his gun would be able to deal with Midnight, the moron. Even I know better than that. I mean, I _was_ pretty close to being turned into kibble, and I had one of those doorguns with me and it didn't help squat. What makes him think that he would be able to scare off the big and mean thanator with just a itsy-bitsy handgun?"

* * *

A/N:

And here's the continuation of 'Thanator Slapstick'. Probably two or three more parts will follow this one.

Yeah, he's called his Thanator Midnight. Now if he can just stop him… or her… from whizzing on the Samson, he might be able to introduce him… or her… to Trudy and company.

Hope you don't mind the Wainfleet bashing here. For those of you who don't know who he is: He's the guy first commenting "That is just wrong", then spouting "I'm on it, Captain!" during the prep of Trudy's Samson, "You're the man, doc" when he's told to stay with the aforementioned Samson, "Get some!" during the destruction of hometree, and during the battle for the tree of souls, he was leading the ground assault in an AMP suit. That's right, the guy that screamed his head off when that Titanothere decided that he and his AMP suit would make a decent slipper.

To quote Jake: "That's right, get your punk ass back to mommy!"

Man, I really feel like doing a Thanator / T-rex right now. Too bad I'm not all that good at it, and it makes a real mess of my voice.


	3. Show them hell, dunderhead Sully

Jake didn't have the slightest idea of what was going on, mostly because it all happened so fast. Because of Midnight's unexplained reluctance to leave him alone, he had been forced to stay in the woods during the night, while Trudy and the scientists would make sure that his human body would be kept safe and sound. He found the sudden lack of entertainment rather dull, and, in a oh-so-human fashion, decided to teach his new companion some tricks and commands, like 'sit' and 'come'.

Jake had been strolling about the forest in boredom, until it had become too dark to differentiate friend from foe. Although, it was more likely something was a foe than friend in the wild. He found out how very true this thought was when a Na'vi huntress saved him from a pack of viperwolves that had decided he would make a fine morsel and had been chasing him for at least an hour. Midnight wasn't around, for the thanator had been hungry all day and had left when the night fell, intent on hunting some six-legged deer-like creature.

Somehow involving a large number of jellyfish-like seeds, which she mentioned to be sacred, he had managed to convince her that he was trustworthy enough to be taken to, and now he was in the company of a several more Na'vi seated on horse-like creatures, and judging from their scowling faces, he wasn't the most welcome individual right now. He was trying to think what would make them hate him so much, but couldn't come up with an answer.

The huntress had been arguing with the rest of them for a while now, and Jake couldn't help but feel annoyed that he couldn't understand the Na'vi language. He wished he had read Augustine's book on the Na'vi.

Suddenly a smile snuck its way on his face; he remembered that what he'd forgotten. Midnight. Surely the Thanator would be looking for him, if the devotion she… or he constantly displayed was any indicator. He was pretty sure that she was female… he still hadn't found out whether it was actually true, but given her clingy disposition, it was pretty obvious. Only girls could hang onto people like that.

He smacked himself on the forehead, hard, and let out a loud groan, causing the bickering Na'vi to jump up in surprise. If their faces hadn't been that humanoid, he would've had a hard time figuring out that they in turn were annoyed about something, probably that they'd forgotten his presence. It was then that they noticed the faint smile on his lips, and the huntress bluntly asked him what had been so funny that it would make him smile.

Jake didn't give any form of response, instead opting to search his surroundings for any trace of Midnight, and sure enough; she was there. She was silently observing the group for now, hiding among the trees waiting for any sign that they had any intention of harming Jake, and had been about to charge at them when they suddenly forced their full attention on Jake, but restrained herself when they didn't do anything else other than ask him something. Then she tensed once more, prepared to strike, as one of the Na'vi grabbed Jake by the collar of his vest.

Jake's trace of a smile turned into a full blown grin now. "I wouldn't do that if I were you… _She_'s not going to like it if you touch me…" He elaborated, earning a few raised eyebrows and confusion on the whole. The Na'vi that had grabbed his vest merely scoffed and prepared to punch him in the face for his lack of respect, only to cringe when he heard the one sound Na'vi were taught to fear from a very young age; the call of a thanator.

Midnight calmly made her way from her hiding spot to the group of Na'vi, exposing her frightening set of teeth to the Na'vi, emitting a low guttural noise as it did. Some of the horse-like creatures were spooked by the sound, and their riders barely managed to reign them in. The huntress was staring at Jake with poorly hidden disbelief, and she let out an almost soundless gasp. "Palulukan Makto…" She muttered, let out a snort, and chattered something in the Na'vi language, earning herself an annoyed glare from the Na'vi that had grabbed Jake's vest.

"Told you so," Jake gloated, raising his chin confidently, looking the Na'vi directly in front of him straight in the eye. "You should've listened when I said you shouldn't have touched me." The Na'vi immediately let go of Jake, unwilling to try his luck against someone that had tamed a creature that most of the life on Pandora, even the Na'vi, fear from the entirety of their being. "Thanks." Jake quipped, the irony of the situation not lost on him.

Jake let out a brief whistle, a sound which Midnight had grown accustomed to during the last couple of hours before their split-up, and she calmly sauntered to Jake, the Na'vi hastily making way for her as she exposed the entirety of her intimidating maw. With every step taken in his direction, she seemed to grow only more and more appreciative of his close proximity. Jake thanked her for her protection by initiating the neural bond with her, letting his gratitude flowing through the connection they shared. He absentmindedly scratched an itchy spot on the back of Midnight's head, just below the large armour plates that protect the rear of the thanator's skull, earning him a contented purr from the enormous feline.

The huntress nervously stepped forward. "You said name was… Jake, no? Come with us to… _Kelutrel_. You call it… tree… place you belong…" She stammered, still shaken from the ordeal with the Thanator. "Place I belong… Home?" Jake asked, thinking that he would be able to leave his Avatar in the relative safety the home of the Na'vi could offer. He figured that if there was a potential hazard to the human-Na'vi hybrid, Midnight would be able to deal with it.

She brightened up, realizing that there was some form of understanding between the two of them, and seized the opportunity. "Yes, Home. _Kelutrel_, Home of Na'vi. Come!" She beckoned before disappearing, Jake helplessly following her, Midnight merrily tagging along, nudging the avatar with her head once in a while, much like an ordinary Earth housecat would do, only eight to ten times stronger. Jake couldn't help but chuckle at the thanator's antics.

The Na'vi seated on their mounts left the clearing when the avatar and the thanator did so, running ahead of them to their home as fast as the legs of their Pa'li could manage. They wished to warn the clan leader and the spiritual leader ahead of time of what they just went through, before the Na'vi of Omaticaya would come to experience a potentially unpleasant surprise.

Jake's grin faded briefly in awe as he took in the sheer height of the tree that the Na'vi had made their home, but it returned after they'd arrived at the base when some of the resident Na'vi fell over backwards in their hurry to clear a path for Jake and Midnight. The enormous feline seemed reluctant to continue to the heart of the tree's base, and removed herself from both the bond she and Jake shared and his direct line of sight. Seeing no other options, Jake nervously dribbled a bit to keep up with the huntress as she made her way through the crowd.

The Na'vi that had tried to punch him was standing next to what seemed to be the leader of the tribe, or whatever that it was called. He circled around Jake, inspecting him, looking for something that Jake couldn't pinpoint for dear life. Then he asked for something, receiving an answer from the huntress that made him snort. He threw another question at her, one that she didn't quite have an answer for, judging from her sudden nervousness and... grief?

Jake was about to ask her what was going on and what would've made a near fearless huntress cry, when another voice rang out, and the source made itself known shortly afterwards; a female Na'vi of about the same age as the tribe leader, Jake assumed, was slowly but surely moving down one of the two upwards leading spiral... stairs that had seemingly been grown naturally. As he looked up he noticed that they were a part of the gigantic tree itself, as the stairs were directly connected to the first floor, and as Jake hazarded a guess, the other levels of the tree aswell. The older woman - Matriarch, he silently corrected himself - had finally reached the ground, now sauntering towards Jake.

Jake grew nervous when she pulled out what seemed to be a sharp splinter of bone from an ornament that hung from her head. Before he had a chance to ask what she was going to do with it, she pricked it into his chest and removed it simultaneously, licking the droplet of blood from it. She asked him a question, which was, as he was momentarily too confused to think about, the first complete sentence of the english language spoken by the natives. He would smack himself on the forehead for his stupidity when he finally remembered.

More questions followed, and Jake lost count of them rather quickly, keeping up with the answers only to have another one thrown at him. Eventually the questions stopped and the huntress with the name Neytiri led him up the stairs for a place to sleep. Jake had somehow managed to remember her name throughout the mass of questions and everything else that had happened during the evening, surprising even himself. He couldn't help but wonder what other surprises Pandora had in store for him as he fell asleep in a hammock.

* * *

A/N:

Na'vi dictionary, no matter how many times it's done, I'll do one too.

Pa'li - Direhorse  
Palulukan - Thanator (Lit. Dry Mouth Bringer of Fear) Wow, that's an interesting name for a creature. I wonder how they came up with that one. -insert sarcastic smiley here-  
Makto - rider (of)  
Kelutrel - Home Tree

I would like to think that Neytiri quipped something along the lines of "I told you that there was a sign from Eywa, Tsu'tey. But you just had to ignore my words!"

Neytiri and Eytukan said something like "How can you bring one of _those _here, especially when you were there when the sky people killed your sister?" - "There was a sign from Eywa. I just thought that perhaps, this one would be different." - "You should've thought better!"

Most of Mo'at's lines are pretty much the same as they were in the completed script and the movie, but I'm not going to reveal the other questions at present. Maybe some other time, when I don't have this overwhelming sleepiness messing with my eyes. On top of that, my back hurts and I think that I somehow managed to puncture a lung with a broken rib, but I'm not sure how that could've happened, seeing that I've had no accidents whatsoever. It still hurts like hell though.

I haven't got the damnedest idea what the words are in Na'vi. I haven't been able to look those up, and I'm not going to either. I don't plan on doing a rewrite anytime soon. I'm just adding bits and crumbs here and there to make things a little more interesting.

I also would like to apologise if Neytiri happens to look a little stupid compared to the canon version of her, and would like to tell you that she hadn't been 'following' him around all day in this fic's storyline, unlike what she did in the movie. So this time around, she had no common grounds with Jake, and as such she had no idea of how to treat him. Add the fact that he surprises both friend and foe with his sheer luck and... well, just about everything about him, so yeah... She's desperately trying to repress her memories of the events that transpired around the time Grace's school was closed down and Sylwanin, her older sister, was killed. The words said when her father questioned her should've made that clear.


	4. Would it make the world a better place?

Don't own, only want to poke fun at some stuff. Really, the battle scenes are nice and all, but shouldn't a veteran marine corporal have slightly more tactical skill than just 'wait and burn in hell?' He'd save a damn lot of lives if he does so. Especially when you take into account that he witnessed the destruction of Hometree firsthand. Some of the content of this 'chapter' is taken directly from the movie, some is from the original scriptment written by James Cameron, and some is directly coming out of my own head. I call dibs on my own insane ramblings. This one's a bit less meant for innocent kiddies' eyes, I'm afraid. Not that my writings are meant for innocent kiddies' eyes anyway, but meh…

* * *

Jake couldn't help but wonder if he was doing the right thing as he watched more and more Na'vi mounted on Direhorses and Banshees answering his summons as the sixth Toruk Makto, the second stage of his plan to retaliate at the RDA. Without wanting to, memories that he didn't quite have an use for at the moment resurfaced. Painful memories. Hated memories. Memories of regret and sorrow. Memories that cemented his belief that he'd made the right choice by siding with the Na'vi ghosted through his head, with a timing that couldn't possibly be more unfortunate.

…

_'This low gravity will make you soft. You get soft, Pandora will shit you out dead with zero warning.'_

…

_'Figured it was just another hellhole.'_

…

_'You get me what I need, I see to it you get your legs back when you rotate home. Your real legs.'_

…

_'Who gets them to move?'_

_'Guess.'_

_'What if they don't?'_

_'Oh, I'm betting that they will.'_

…

_'You are now a son of the Omaticaya. You are part of the People.'_

…

_'You knew this would happen?'_

_…_

__

'Are you out of your goddamn mind?!'

_'You crossed a line...'_

…

Jake gritted his teeth. It was at this moment that he came up with another plan, one that, although it wasn't without it's own risks, left the Na'vi assault as something he could back up on in case something went wrong with his very nearly suicidal, and something Grace would probably have chastised him for, if she hadn't died.

After all, it wasn't every day that you would personally plot an assassination of the opposing side's leader. Plenty of chances where either of the two plans could go ballistic. Murphy's Law and all that. Still, he had to try. He jumped from the elevated tree root he was standing on without warning, taking off to the distance, leaving the mighty Leonopteryx exactly where it was. He needed to find a trusted ally. One he could rely on without question, and he knew exactly who.

* * *

"In a week's time there could be twenty thousand of them. At that point they will overrun our perimeter. Well, that's not gonna happen. Our only security lies in pre-emptive attack. We will fight terror with terror."

Some of the military personnel nodded in agreement as Colonel Miles Quaritch briefed them on the assault strike that would take place the next morning. What happened next, however, shocked the majority of the audience seated in the briefing and dining room into complete silence.

"Now the hostiles believe that this mountain stronghold of theirs is pro…"

Quaritch wasn't even allowed to finish his sentence. A massive dark blue leg with three large clawed digits had just ripped through the glass and the steel like it wasn't even there in the first place, sending Quaritch face-first to the floor, knocking him dazed. Before anyone had a chance to react to the unexpected breach, the leg came crashing down on the war veteran, ending any hopes that he might have lived.

A bellowing roar from outside followed as the leg retracted, and that was more than enough to those of the RDA army personnel who still had the sense and the luck to find a functioning exopack or emergency oxygen mask as they made their hasty retreat to safety.

Those of the Avatar Program and everyone else who had vehemently objected to the destruction of Hometree were warned of the impending chaos just a few hours before, and so most of them had had enough time to lay there hands on a breathing apparatus prior to Quaritch's briefing.

Jake crawled inside through the gap made by Midnight, his history as a marine allowing him to give Quaritch's corpse barely a moment's glance before moving on, only to pause when he recognized Max Patel.

"Hey Max… Just figured I'd drop by for a moment." He quipped, as if he hadn't had the slightest knowledge about the fact that a thanator had decided to play the Pandoran equivalent of whac-a-mole with the now dead Colonel at all.

"You don't say…" was the reply that came from a nervous Dr. Max Patel, who was throwing glances alternating between the Colonel's motionless body and the large gap in the metal. Jake correctly guessed what was on the man's mind and was quick to reassure him. "Don't worry, she won't attack anyone without my permission… although I might make a few exceptions." He added, smiling grimly as he remembered what Trudy had said about the two gunners stationed on her Samson the day when Quaritch had ordered the destruction of Hometree. Max gulped, briefly wondering just who the unlucky bastards were to earn such fates before shaking his head. There was no way in hell he was willing to find out.

"So, how'd you get through the security surrounding the base? Full red alert was issued three days ago after you four pulled off that insane escape act, not even the tiniest insect could crawl its way in... Much less a fully grown Avatar and a Thanator." Max cast a curious glance at Jake. "Meh, that was easy enough. Remember that I'd asked you about the general structure of the base?" Max shrugged, but couldn't come up with an idea of how it had helped Jake at all. "Come Max, use that genius Ph.D. brain of yours for a damn second. If I can't come to the base by air, nor by being upground, so what options do I have left?" Max looked at Jake as if he was talking to a fish. "You mean you dug a tunnel?"

"Damn right I did... I was thinking that it'd collapse a couple of times, but it remained stable long enough to allow me to get from the treeline to... well, here." Jake elaborated, spreading his arms to indicate the room they were standing in.

"That's a serious gap in security... Why the hell was Quaritch so damn confident when it came to the base defenses? If there's anything out there, like the Pandoran equivalent of a mole or a trapdoor spider, it can just dig a tunnel and survive long enough to find it's way into the base, putting everyone at risk. So what's the point of being here anyway? It's basically a complete death trap." Max muttered in indignation.

"Don't I know it... Quaritch was an idiot with all muscle and barely a brain. Complete nutcase, ripe for the psychiatry ward." Jake quipped.

"That he is, that he is." Max agreed wholeheartedly.

"He did have one thing right though." Jake said, his eyes closed, as he recalled a distant memory.

"Oh yeah, what's that?" Max asked, curious.

"'As your head of security, it is my job to keep you alive. I will not succeed. Not with all of you.'" Jake recited.

"Oh yeah, that one. If I recall correctly, it had a tendency of intimidating most of the new guys that came here. He rolled that one out of his mouth everytime the new recruits came in for their first official briefing. He called it his 'personal favorite.'" Max remembered.

"Too bad it didn't do him enough justice. Heck, it didn't keep HIM alive." Jake joked, before an extremely old movie came to his mind, causing him to break out in full blown laughter.

Max shot one last look at Jake before walking off, unable to understand the humour of it. "I don't see why that's so funny... Must be some kind of Marine humour..."

"Big... Fucking... Bugs..." Jake managed to squeeze out inbetween breaths as he continued to laugh for quite some time. By the time he ended laughing his oxygen levels had become dangerously low. Sadly, nobody came around to help him, for his loud laughter and him crashing into the tables as he rolled over the floor had driven them all out of the direct vicinity after several people began complaining about headaches.

"Guys... Help...! Can't... breathe...!" he wheezed.

* * *

A/N:

This would've been so much more pragmatic. Of course, all one needs is a Thanator on your side, and Jake didn't have that one in the movie. A man can dream, though. For those that are curious, Jake's talking about Starship Troopers (the first one) there. Fun fact: Thanators have in fact three digits! (Toes, guys... Come on. They're no Spartans at all.)

A short SOE (Sequence Of Events):

Three/Two days ago: The gang makes their escape to the Hallelujah Mountains during the third evening. Quaritch shoots Grace. He issues a full red alert on the base, and often issues routine patrols in a tight schedule on the base (Hence the reason Max had to cut off their video comm link in the movie), paranoia starts to sneak its way in the population of Hell's Gate, causing Quaritch to search the planet surface from orbit. Jake forms Tsahaylu with the Leonopteryx to become the sixth Toruk Makto somewhere around noon the next day, when the concentration of light on Pandora is at the highest. Grace dies in the (second) evening. Jake has Tsu'Tey translate the speech he gives to the Omaticaya. The recruiting starts during the night.

A day ago: Full Na'vi mobilisation towards the valley with the Tree of Souls in the center. Quaritch receives the satellite images of the Na'vi massing up at the Tree of Souls in the late evening, and instead of holding his little conference right away, he does it the next morning, around 10:00 AM.


End file.
